Hell yeah that is a lot to bare! Wow, you are such an incredibly strong & determined person to wake up each day & face your challenges. It might seem like your needs might not get met or you aren’t being given the means you need to overcome your struggles— but if you are a believer in God, the Universe, or believe in something greater than yourself, I truly believe your struggle will not be in vain. You might not see the gift in your pain now, but I assure you that there is something great going to come of what you are going through.
I’m following you know so hopefully we can stay more in touch— let me know how you are doing beautiful!
Relapse is not the end of the world. If anything relapse is a part of life when it comes to things we struggle with. People can relapse from little things like chicken nuggets when they claim to be a vegetarian, all the way to going on a 5 day drug binge in a dirty motel when you claim to be sober… So in retrospect, you today merely acted human. You are someone who is feeling a lot of things you probably would rather not feel right now & checking out seemed easier… Because fucking lets face it, sometimes it is. At least you realize that you had a bad day, but don’t let your bad today effect your tomorrow. Breathe. I hope you actually do feel better & weren’t being sarcastic, but if not start fresh in the morning. I am really, really sorry for your loss & do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel ok right now… but talk to a friend or someone if you feel like you might do something you might regret. You sound really strong, so don’t doubt that you are. <3 Hang in there girl.
Moving out is always a big deal… May it be moving out of your parents, your roommates, your ex’s, whoever… It always has its challenges. So there is almost no way around that. Lol. Living life is messy, as you said, you feel like a mess… That’s natural! No one has is completely together, even when it looks like they do. We all have struggles, we all face challenges, that is just fact.
The best advice I can give you, is to get to know yourself. Especially during the time you are alone— I struggle with this same problem you do, so I barely have the answer. I work on being alone day to day too… I feel stressed out most the time & like I don’t have my life in the order it should be… I feel like a failure a lot too… Shit I felt that way today after I got bitched out by my boss saying how I need to learn how to ask for help when I don’t know what to do! In a way you sound a lot like me… The fear of failure has held me back so much in life.. but the more I learn the more I hear from people of extreme success that failure is a key ingredient to being successful. You must fail a few times in order to succeed… So you & I both need to work on not being fearful of failure, but embracing it. Instead of being so scared that we avoid life completely. That’s no way to live.
I’m here for you & definitely can empathize with how you feel.
Hope you start to feeling a bit better about your moving situation, I’m around if you need to vent again! lol
I’ve been there… & it NEVER ends well.
It’s like poker… If you go all in, you can definitely be left destitute & worse off than you started. You might get lucky & win this one time, but if you don’t it could be extremely disappointing.
You need to look at what parts of the relationship make you happy. Find out what those parts are & then compare that to your life before your boyfriend. What is so different now? Is it him as a person that makes you feel good or the idea of you all together that makes you feel good? Believe me the two are easy to confuse & I’ve done it before.
I am by NO means saying you two won’t last or aren’t meant for each other…. but I am saying you need to guard your heart & your health! You don’t have to build walls, but you definitely need to stay guarded so if you ever do break up, it won’t break you to pieces the way a relationship can sometimes end in.
Dealing with the issues you deal with is not an easy feat. But it is a step in the right direction to realize that you may not be completely happy to the core… I don’t know what is the right thing to do in this situation, but I do know that if you start to look for things that make you happy that don’t involve your boyfriend, it might be easier to notice, that even in your past there might have been happiness there that you overlooked bc you didn’t have a significant other pointing it out to you. So I would suggest each day to find 5 things you are happy for, or that make you feel good that have nothing to do with your boyfriend. So if there ever may be a time he isn’t in the picture, you might be able to remember how to look for things that make you happy on your own, without someone showing you.